Bottling It Up

Weird that this is my first post. I was going to right light and happy and see where it went. However, I started this website months if not years ago if I am being honest. Never sticking to it or posting anything real. Well this morning I decided to stop that crap and start writing what is on my mind and be HONEST no matter what.

I am the girl that keeps things bottled up and doesn't let it show, I had a conversation with my step mom a few years back and her comment was I never would have known. It's something I learned at a very young age and continued it until now I guess. And damn am I good at it.

So let us see where this brings me.

I think this is the time a year where more and more people do the fake bullshit. I know I do.

Holiday Season is always hard, my mom (she passed away, this will be the fifth year without her) would bake for all my hicks (friends) and feed the world if she could. Never letting anyone go hungry and on Christmas she made sure there were stockings for all my friends too. Not all of them had family traditions, so we made them into ours. I look back and that always brings a smile to my face because she knew what others needed even if words were not passed. So, every year holiday time is harder because I am an Army wife and not home so traditions are harder to keep. However, Christmas was her favorite season so I put up the lights, I decorate the trees, I play the movies and sometimes I feel happy; other times I fake it. ALOT.

Lately I have been looking back on my life and tears come to my eyes. Stories that I never planned to tell came out and people learned that my past isn't as simple as most think. I ask myself why: why didn't I say something, why did I bottle, why, why, why. Then I answer myself. Others. I put others first and made sure the ones I cared about and the ones I loved were okay and good. I became the mother of my friends, no matter what I made sure they were okay all through high school, and even to this day. I put everyone first.

However, a funny thing happened, over the years I always tended to be the villain in the stories or the bitch. I put others first and my shoulders grew as I took on the title that seemed to fit so easily for people. [Another funny thing is supposedly there are always two sides, but is that really true? I feel like that can be true and there are plenty of stories that both sides need to be heard and then maybe the middle is more accurate, but there has to be times where the middle is still false because one side is actually the honest one......right. Well it is right if you want to believe it or not. Not all stories have a two sided coins, sometimes one side is the truth while the other is lies to just tear down the other and to make themselves look better or look like the victim. (Another time, maybe)] I bottled and protected and listened and helped in all the ways I could, I gave and gave until I had nothing left of who I once was. The person I am now, now I look back and try to figure out the reason I started bottling and placing myself last like so many others did. I started to learn I needed to protect myself too.

Anywho, the point of this post with all the rambling (which I guess isn't supposed to happen in a good blog...oh well) is that keeping things in and facing it alone isn't always the best way. I am 34 next month and looking back at my past and my childhood the last couple months has brought me to tears to realize how much I went through by myself. Why? Because I acted like I was fine and no one asked me if I was.

Talk. Text. Ask for Help. Don't do it alone. You are strong even when you talk about issues and problems. You are stronger by being open!